


Not At the Beach

by Anonymous



Category: The Locked Tomb Trilogy | Gideon the Ninth Series - Tamsyn Muir
Genre: Bathing/Washing, Bathtubs, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Oblivious Palamedes, Propositions, as in nothing sexual actually happens just sexual conversation, au where everything is fine at canaan house, this is a shitpost please don't take it seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-16 08:48:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28828422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: When Cam pushes for him to take a bath, Palamedes receives an unexpected visitor.
Relationships: Camilla Hect & Palamedes Sextus, Dulcinea Septimus/Palamedes Sextus
Comments: 1
Kudos: 13
Collections: Anonymous





	Not At the Beach

**Author's Note:**

> [Based on this.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTIhdkj5FQw)

The Sixth House quarters were an absolute disaster.

Flimsy was strewn about, all with frantic, messy theorems covering them. Books Cam said were unnecessary to bring but Palamedes knew in his heart were _absolutely_ necessary laid in non-librarian-appropriate ways across his desk, their shared bed, and even atop Cam’s weapons. In the middle of the paper-tornado sat a half-dressed Palamedes, who was running his fingers through his greasy hair and feeling as though he were about to combust.

He _knew_ he was on the brink of a breakthrough. But what was missing…?

Cam broke into the room then, disrupting Palamedes’ train of thought momentarily before he decided to go back to reading.

Monotonously, Cam asked, “What died in here?”

“What do you mean?” Palamedes asked. He was sure plenty of things died in Canaan House. Such was the nature of necromancy.

“It reeks,” she continued.

Palamedes didn’t turn to look at Cam, but he didn’t need to. He could hear and feel her messing with his things. He wanted to shout that she was ruining his order, but this was _Cam_ , the only one allowed to do such a thing. She probably would better organize his thoughts anyway.

“This is an old house,” Palamedes noted, “and some of these books make this house look like a new development.”

“I know what books smell like, and it’s not decaying yogurt.” Cam came up behind him, placing her hands on his shoulders. “You stink.”

“Oh.”

“So take a bath. There’s a nice tub here. Way bigger than the one at home.”

“But Cam! I’m at the brink of a breakthrough!”

Cam spun him around in his chair, lips pressed in a thin line. “You’re a fucking mess, and I’d rather end up a revenant than smell you any longer,” she said, voice calm and even despite her words. “Take a bath while I make us some dinner, and you can have your breakthrough later.”

Palamedes sighed. He had known Camilla Hect since she was a child, and even as toddlers, he could never argue with her. 

“Fine,” he decided, “but can you bring those books in there for me?”

“Sure.” She stood with her arms crossed, staring Palamedes down. “This involves standing, Pal.”

“Ah. Right.” He’d forgotten that part. How long had he been in this chair, anyway? He got up, stretched, and made his way to the Sixth Quarters bathroom. 

“I’m gonna ask the Seventh if they have any oils I can burn in this room,” Cam said as she followed him into the bathroom. “Gotta exorcise the stink outta here before someone dies of oxygen deprivation.”

“In that case, maybe you should ask the Fifth.”

As Pal turned the water on, he saw the ghost of a smile on Cam’s face. That was basically hysterical laughter for her, so he considered that a win.

Cam set a neat stack of books beside the tub before grabbing some salt and a bottle of bubble bath, as well as a small pantry of soaps. She dumped the salt and the bubbles in with a satisfied nod, then departed for dinner, giving Palamedes more time alone in his thoughts.

The water was a little too hot, but it woke him up a little, and he figured he’d stay warmer longer at the temperature it was, so he let it be as the tub filled up the rest of the way. After he shut the water off completely, he submerged for a bit, deciding that, once again, Cam was right and this was a wonderful idea. 

When he resurfaced, though, he was thoroughly confused.

He heard two voices coming from their kitchenette.

“Oh, that smells lovely, Cammy!” he heard a delighted woman say with a wheeze. After a brief, deep cough, the woman continued, “Where is that necromancer of yours, anyway?”

Palamedes’ heart began to race. Why was Dulcinea in the Sixth quarters? How did she even get over there? Canaan was hardly wheelchair accessible. Was she alright? She better not be straining herself!

Amidst his panic, Cam said, voice even as ever, “He’s taking a bath if you want to say hi.”

No. Absolutely not. He did not want his first real, in-person encounter with Dulcinea Septimus to be when he smelled like yogurt, according to Cam, and was in a bath. Half of him wanted to yell for Cam to stop, but the other half was too comfortable in the water to do anything about the current predicament, so he waited in silence.

“In the bath?” Dulcinea asked in a way that sounded more like excitement and intrigue than a true question. “Oh, let me go get changed and I’ll visit him shortly!”

As the question popped in Palamedes’ mind, Cam asked, “Get changed?”

“For the occasion of meeting that darling Palamedes! I have just the thing.” 

He heard the squeaking of her wheels and the opening of the door, followed by Cam muttering, “What the hell.”

Feeling a bit uneasy, Palamedes dried off his hands and reached for the book on top of the stack, _Advanced Soul Magic._ But he had only buried himself in it for a few moments when he heard the familiar wheel squeak once more.

“You look interesting,” said Cam, not ever one to mince words. 

“Aww, you think so?” Dulcinea asked, oblivious to the true meaning of Cam’s words.

Palamedes was sure she looked lovely, even if he hadn’t seen her yet. 

“I think Pal will love it.” Cam sounded quite confident about this. He could almost see the firm nod within his mind’s eye.

“Oh, great.” Dulcie clapped her hands. 

“Don’t throttle him too much. He’s been working hard.”

He could hear the cheeky grin in Dulcie’s voice, just as he always imagined her to smile in the letters they exchanged. “I know Pal, and I’m certain he has a little more work in him.”

Cam gave an exasperated sigh, and Palamedes heard the squeak of Dulcie’s wheels making it closer to the bathroom door. 

The door opened with an ominous creak, and there sat Dulcie. She was in a frilly and retina-burning red, two-piece swimsuit, revealing her thin waist, her ribs, and the feeding tube in her side. In her nose rested the nasal cannula to her pulmonary drain--Palamedes’ invention to keep her lungs clear. One end was screwed into a bloodstained wastebin attached to the side of her rose-decorated wheelchair, the other end buried into her chest. Her brown hair was in perfect ringlets, tied into a side ponytail with a red ribbon.

All in all, the effect it had on Palamedes’ often-misbehaving second mind was primal, and he tried to adjust the froth in the bathtub to hide his large indiscretion. 

“I see you don’t have a lifeguard here at your beach.”

Palamedes blinked. First slowly, then quickly. What was happening? As Dulcinea shut the door behind her and wheeled forward, Palamedes said, “I’m not at the beach...this is a bathtub. Are you...are you feeling alright, Dulcie?”

Dulcie rested an arm on the side of the bathtub and beamed at him like he set the stars in the sky. “No body of water is safe without a lifeguard.”

Palamedes was confused and hard and wasn’t sure what to do with this entire situation. He managed, “It’s two feet deep, Dulcie! What are you doing here, anyway?”

Dulcie waved at him. “You can relax. You’re safe now! Your lifeguard is here.”

“O...kay.” This was not what Palamedes imagined meeting Dulcie would be like at all. Were her treatments messing with her mind?

Dulcie gave him a patient smile, and hesitantly, he settled back down into the water. This was Dulcie, after all. He could amuse her for a few minutes.

As he closed his eyes, he began to forget Dulcie was here; she had become so quiet, and the bath was now comfortably warm. He could sleep in here, he thought. But that would probably be a terrible idea, and Cam would have to fish him out and scold him for being irresponsible.

A wheeze and a thick cough came from Dulcinea’s chest, and he was suddenly remembered, with a stubborn twitch from his second, more irresponsible mind, that he was not alone. Was that why Dulcie was here? Was she going to rescue him if he fell asleep in the bath?

Suddenly, there was a sharp, piercing sound of a whistle being blown, and Palamedes snapped his eyes open. 

“Get out of the water! There’s a shark!”

Palamedes jumped up, startled by the noise, then remembered the situation. 

It was official, in Palamedes’ mind. 

Dulcie had completely lost it.

“Dulcie, my dear,” Palamedes said, not bothering to get out of the water, but still standing. “There’s no shark in the bathtub.”

Dulcie’s eyes wandered downward. A devilish grin spread on her cheeks, teeth pink with blood. Palamedes hated what effect that had on him, and he throbbed. Suddenly, it began to click what Dulcie was doing.

In a husky voice, she said, “Aren’t you glad you had a lifeguard to save you?”

The look in Dulcie’s eyes were that of a starving woman at a buffet. She even licked her lips a little.

“I...I guess,” Palamedes managed. He still felt way too exposed. “But, um. Dulcie. You should...you should go. Cam’s making dinner, and--”

She scooted her wheelchair closer and brought her hands to Palamedes. Eyes on his dick, grin still wide, she said, “I think I should stay, and we should have sex.”

Palamedes thought he was going to faint. He sat back down at that, lightheaded. They had exchanged increasingly-explicit letters for years, but something so carnal like this needed some time to process.

Unfortunately, processing didn’t happen.

“Pal?” The grin had faded from Dulcinea’s face and was replaced with worry. “Pal, are you okay?”

His vision was starting to blur, but the last thing he saw was Cam storming into the bathroom before it all dissolved into darkness.


End file.
